The Real Way To Increase Your Child's Self-Esteem

Over the years I’ve learned that you can’t fix a child’s self-esteem.  It’s sounds off the wall because that’s what martial arts is supposed to do.  But as parents we want to ensure that our child has a high level of self-esteem and confidence to keep them safe from the world around them.  It’s difficult watching our kids give up or become frustrated when they can’t accomplish something, so naturally, we try everything we can to find ways to make them feel better.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way!  You making your child feel better will not increase their level of self-esteem, but helping them behave and react to situations better will!

We tell parents that we can and will improve their child’s self-esteem but it’s not done by improving their feelings, we do it by giving them challenges and helping them overcome them.  For example, when your child first learned to ride their bike you probably cheered for them and praised them for doing it.  But after they had been riding for a while it was no longer a big deal and they received no more praise for their effort.  So you have to engage your child in another challenge, another obstacle and let them overcome it, and then praise them for their success in that challenge.  Give your child a challenging situation that pertains to them now is the only way to really encourage your child's growth when it comes to their self-esteem.

We look around and see everyone handing out trophies just for showing up to an event because we don’t want our kids to feel the disappointment of not getting something for their efforts.  What would it feel like if you were applauded just for showing up to work?  Would it feel genuine?  Would you value that praise after a couple of days?  There comes a point in time where kids need to understand that if they don’t win or receive a medal that it’s OK.  Kids need to learn the value of losing gracefully and congratulating someone else for their victory. 

Your child will have feelings of frustration and it’s perfectly ok to help them express it, however, understand that this alone will not increase your child’s level of self-esteem.  Feeling good about themselves is a problem they have to solve, and that problem is solved by learning how to do things better for themselves.  They need to develop their own problem-solving skills, their own mastery of difficult tasks.  This is done, of course, while you’re encouraging them, not doing it for them.  Every time they fail it’s an opportunity for a greater success in the future. 

Making your child feel good for that moment only lasts for that moment.  But if you show them what to do to feel good about themselves, they develop those self-esteem building skills that last a lifetime.