The cost of not knowing

If you have been watching the news lately you are aware of the 4 kids that bullied the 68 year old bus chaperone.  For 20 minutes they bullied and humiliated her, and she never said one ill-tempered word back to them. She must be a saint because I know I do not have that kind of self-control.  I’ve been a martial arts teacher for over 25 years and a bully defense instructor for over 15 years, and it never ceases to amaze me the responses that the parents have for their children’s behavior.  “I can’t believe that was my child” and “I didn’t think my child was hanging out with kids like that” are the responses that are heard almost EVERY TIME that bullying incidents happen.  No parent ever wants to think their child is capable of being a bully, in fact, when I talk to parents after a bully workshop, their responses are always “my child could never be a bully, no, not my child.”  If that’s the case, then that begs the questions of, “where do bullies come from” and “what kind of situations create these bullies?”

It’s a fact that every parent does not know everything about their children and what goes on in their lives, including myself.  I can’t tell you how many times a child comes home with a bad grade and the parent has no idea that he/she hasn’t been doing their homework, or that they have been picked on at school for weeks and have told no one. 

As parents, we need to take a diligent approach to what influences our children when we’re not around.  Not just simple things like their video games or television shows, but the actual people that influence their behavior and decisions.  You are the sum of the top 5 closest and most influential people you hang around with.  Negative people tend to hang out with negative people, positive people hang around with positive people, successful people hang around successful people and bullies hang around with other bullies, etc.  Who are your children’s top five?  Your children’s top five may not always be other kids they hang out with, it could be you, the parents, it could be us as their martial arts instructors, their youth group or it could be other positive influencing teens and adults.  Whomever they are, help your child choose wisely, give them guidance and help them become the awesome adults that they are capable of becoming.  No child has ever regretted have discipline, structure and positive role models in their life, but many have regretted NOT having it.

Jeff Cvitak

Martial Arts USA

Self-Discipline

What is self-discipline?  Self-discipline has been defined as the ability to make yourself do what you know you should do, when you should do it, whether you feel like or not!  A disciplined person knows what has to be done and does it.  They don’t put it off until tomorrow or allow themselves to be easily taken off track.  And, more importantly they prioritize and focus on being self-disciplined with activities that move them toward their goals.  There’s a big difference between having self-discipline with tasks that don’t move you toward your goals and doing very well what need not be done at all.  It’s usually the more challenging activities and tasks that will help you reach your goals than those of less importance.  This concept is easily confused so be careful which activities you exercise your self-discipline in.

When teaching children self-discipline it is important to have fun and keep in mind that the idea is to establish routines that are followed for the entire week without distraction.  We want our children to pick up after themselves, to clean their rooms without being told, to study and do their homework on their own, and to be responsible for their extra curricular programs as well.  We demand a whole lot from them!

First explain to them that there are two kinds of discipline.  1) Mom and Dad discipline. We constantly tell them what they need to do! 2) Self-discipline. They take care of certain things without reminders from us!  Sometime just understanding that can point them in the right direction!  Next list out all of their responsibilities that have to do with, school, home, extra curricular, and leisure time.  Have a discussion about all their responsibilities in those areas.  Then, with there input, teach them how to prioritize. In other words make sure they know that homework and studying are more important than chores.  Remember the self-disciplined person does the more important goal-oriented activity first.

When your child understands what’s important by the goals you and him have set it will be easy to establish a comfortable routine for everyone to follow.  Your routine should include all the activities on your list. The more regimented you child becomes and the more you and him plan time for every responsibility in order of importance the more discipline he will have.  Just remember to stick to a fun routine so it becomes habit and your child wants (key word) to be self-disciplined.

Jeff Cvitak

Martial Arts USA

What pictures do you see?

We all think in pictures.  Many times what we see in our mind translates to what we end up with in reality.  The great challenge lies in being ale to control what kind of pictures play in the theater of our mind!  This lesson is important and practical for both parents and children.

What kind of thoughts do you habitually think?  What kind of thoughts does your child habitually think?  Although we would like to believe our thoughts are of success, accomplishment, and a bright future, they may not always be. If we took an inventory of our thoughts we might discover that we dwell on past failures, present problems, and future anxiety too much. No matter how good you or your child’s current situation we can all benefit from tighter control of our own thoughts.

Why is this so important?  Because many of the psychological breakthroughs of the last century had to do with the fact that we “become what we think about most of the time.” Just that one sentence should awake you to how important this topic is to you and your child’s future success.  This is mainly due to the power of the subconscious mind which processes every thought and experience we have.  The subconscious actually doesn’t know the difference between a real event and one that is vividly imagined.  I encourage you to do your own research on the subconscious.

Catch yourself thinking thoughts of failure. Also teach your child about avoiding negative thoughts. Just being aware of this will have a huge impact on the family. 

Feel free to contact me with any questions.

Jeff Cvitak

Martial Arts USA

How to Beat Social Anxiety

Maybe it has happened to you before…. Your daughter is scheduled for her first dance lesson, karate class, or soccer game and you get her to the class or the field and she freezes!  She just doesn’t want to get into the class or step on to the field!  Your son’s first baseball game is Saturday and he’s been talking about it all week..

”I can’t wait to hit the ball, I can’t wait to run the bases, I can’t wait.”  Then when the time comes to get his baseball uniform on he refuses! Or how about when you feel as though a particular activity will be beneficial for your son or daughter and you say “hey would you like to give ___ a try?” and they say “No!” you then ask why and possibly unintentionally argue about how it’s no big deal to try things!

                                                                                                               

In my 17+ plus years as a martial arts school owner and instructor I’ve witness my fair share of children who seem to become uninterested at the moment of truth.  If this has happened to you don’t worry about and don’t be mad at your child.  All that happened was a slight case of social anxiety brought on by the thought of stepping out of their comfort zone. If you were able to get them there because they were excited and then they suddenly changed their minds all that happened was simple. Their mental picture did not match what they now say in reality.  And if you asked them about trying something and they said, “No!”  Then they simply already made a mental picture of themselves being uncomfortable.

We all have social anxiety.  It’s not easy to step out of our comfort zone.  Just imagine attending a party where you don’t know anyone?  Or, if you’re OK with that, how about speaking in public?  The key fact to remember is our kids are no different.  But the sooner you help them step out of their comfort zone the easier it will get each time.  If you give up the first time the harder it may get!

There’s a psychological principle called systematic desensitization. Which simply means; the more you make yourself do what you are sensitive or fearful of the less sensitive and fearful you will be.  So if you child experiences some social anxiety don’t let it bother you too much, just keep trying and don’t give up, social skills and the ability to control fear are essential in our world and the sooner your child begins develops these skills the better.

If you have more questions about social anxiety, don't hesitate to call.

Jeff Cvitak

Martial Arts USA

The 10,000 Hour Rule

Have you ever heard of an over-night success?  Professional athletes (e.g. Jeremy Lin), musicians (e.g. Beetles), captains of industries (e.g. Bill Gates and Warren Buffett), all seem to come out of nowhere and achieve huge success in their fields.  We all think, “If they achieved great success, how come I haven’t made it yet?”  It basically boils down to the 10,000 hour rule.

According to Malcolm Gladwell, the rule basically says that it takes approximately 10,000 hours of deliberate practice to master a skill. For example, it would take 10 years of practicing 2.74 hours a day to become a master in your subject. It would take approximately 5 years of full-time employment to become proficient in your field. Simply work out how many hours you have already achieved and calculate how far you need to go. You should be aiming for 10,000 hours.

Is your child filling the hours of their day meaningfully? That’s no problem for self-directed, endlessly curious learners. Chances are they’ll grow up to redefine success. Who knows what the kids of today will achieve?

The same 10,000 hour rule can be applied to bad habits.  Laziness, impatience, procrastination, gossiping, complaining, etc. are all habits that are learned over time.  And people have “mastered” these traits because of the 10,000 hour rule. 

As parents, we have a huge responsibility in making sure our children use the 10,000 hour rule wisely and not on “time-fillers” and “time-killers.”  If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to ask.

Jeff Cvitak

Martial Arts USA